Denial is the most predictable of all human responses. –The Matrix Reloaded
Denial not just a river in Egypt as
they say. It also means Don’t Even Notice
I Am Lying. In active addiction I lied at
every turn. I lied as standard operating
procedure. I lied about things I didn’t
want people to find out. I lied about
things that would make me look better than I thought I was. I lied about things that made no difference
to anyone at all, including me. I just
had to lie. The biggest lie was about my
addiction: I convinced myself I wasn’t
hurting my spouse, my family, my child, myself.
I couldn’t bear to see myself as I really was.
Recovery has given me a chance to
come clean and stay deception-free. And
although recovery is not easy, telling the truth is not the intolerable
disaster I fear. I am learning that I
make mistakes, that’s OK, and no one really expected otherwise. And maybe I will go to Egypt some day and see
the real Nile. But glad that is the only
meaning ‘denial’ has for me these days.
When
I follow my higher power’s path, I get help staying out of denial.
Choice. The problem is choice. –The Matrix Reloaded
Why can’t I just choose better? How come I
always end up in the same pain having made the same choice? Why do I always
have to drink one more, eat one more, take one more, sleep with one more, smoke
one more? Am I stupid, or just lazy?
What if it’s neither? What if my picker is
screwed up? What if my brain is hijacked? That’s not an excuse. Believe me, I
still have all the consequences I came to 12 step with. No one in meetings or
outside of them has said, ‘we’ll give you a pass because we know you suffer
from a disease’. But it helps my recovery to understand that my brain glitches
and brings me back to the same options and always makes the same ‘choices’. If
I could just do a little bit, I absolutely would. But I don’t seem to have that
choice. When the boulder rolls downhill, it’s too late for me to choose to stop
it. It's hard to stop a binge when it's 2 AM and I just got more cash from the ATM. But I can plan my recovery, so I don’t face tough choices on my own.
I can always choose recovery and my higher power.
To
deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human –The Matrix
I made a lot of excuses for my conduct in
active addiction. It’s not that big a deal. Who am I hurting? God must have
made me this way for a reason. Am I supposed to live like a monk? My black and
white thinking gave me only two alternatives, zero indulgence or unbound indulgence.
I rationalized and ignored what didn’t fit my delusions and denial. I did not foot anyone who was looking for the
truth, most especially myself.
One of my mantras in recovery is truth at
all costs. As we hear in the rooms, whatever I put before my recovery, whatever
behaviors or relationships I try to control, I will lose. I don’t live in my
own lowest common denominator. I have
stopped B.S.ing myself and anyone else. I no longer try to convince myself that
my own pain and destruction are in fact exciting or intriguing or cool.
When
I tell the truth, even when I’m sure it will hurt, I am removing the shackles I put
in place.
++++++++++++++++++++
This
is my world. My world! –The Matrix Revolutions, Agent Smith
In addiction, I had it all! I was in total
control. I got what I wanted when I wanted it. I controlled interactions and other
people with 'creative honesty'. I was preserving people’s feelings and
adding to my accomplishments when I knew I wouldn’t be properly recognized.
Yes, I took more than an even share, but I deserved it because I was surrounded by so many basket cases. There were occasions when I stole a bit or more than
a bit, but it was only fair because of the pain I suffered. I was entitled to
more and I got it. The denial was like air.
Then reality came striding in and I now I’ve
learned how to live an honest life focused on service and my side of the
street. I tell the truth even when it would put me in a bad light. I no longer
take advantage of others even if I could get away with it. I don’t take more than I’m allotted. I accept people
as they are and don’t expect milk from the coffee urn. I live life on life’s
terms. It’s not like getting high all the time; it's not a constant rush of pleasure and relief. It’s richer, more complex, and
a lot safer.
I
share this world with my fellows, my neighbors and people I haven’t met, and I
try to be of service.
Deeds will not be less valiant because they are unpraised. —The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Before I started following the path of
recovery, I was happy to do the right thing if I got credit for it. Even now, with
the support of Twelve Step recovery, it’s not easy to let go of what I think I’m
entitled to. And entitlement was one of the hallmarks of my denial about my addiction.
The drink or hit or bet or sex or food was what I was entitled to. I had been
through so much pain and trauma in my life, I was the victim of so many others,
I was entitled to take my comfort. It all balanced out – I suffer the pain; I
get the reward. Or at least I get oblivion, so I don’t have to stay in the
pain.
In recovery, I am learning that no matter my life experiences, I have the agency to choose a new
path, the same agency that everyone else has. Now knowing about my agency does
not make it easy to do. If willingness alone was all it took, I wouldn’t need
the rest of the recovery program. But today, with willingness, I can take a
step or two on the path to serenity. I don’t need my high to survive my emotions.
I can celebrate my recovery without going back to my addiction.
I
get all the recognition I need from my higher power.
